I'm the man with all I've ever wanted
All the toys and playing games
I am the one who pours your coffee, corner booth each Saturday
I am your daughter's favorite teacher
I am the leader of the band
I sit behind you in the bleachers
I am every man
I'm the coach of every winning team and still a loser in my mind
I am the soldier in the airport facing giants one more time
I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life
I'm every broken man, nervous child, lonely wife
Is there hope for every man?
-"Every Man" by Casting Crowns
If only we really knew how to be Jesus to "every man". To achieve that would make us microscopic glimpses of heaven (how refreshing). So here's a start: do not try to be Jesus to every man. Forget trying to fit any sort of "mold" (this is self-limiting because it is more self-seeking rather than Jesus-seeking). Do seek Jesus in others instead, and from your heart you will selflessly become the reflection of what you seek.
Lately I've been thinking, that this idea of me needing therapy is a little impulsive. I suppose I was a little freaked out that I might slip into depression (and I wanted to prevent it). I'm not sure what happened during my spring break, but it seems after the break my mood stopped fluctuating. I unnecessarily worry too much..
Therapy? Who me? Pft. Life is hard, and there's no use being a psychologically over-analyzing self-pitying hypochondriac for a prolonged period of time. No more of this. (I still maintain that Denise is nice, but no more of these "conversations" dwelling on myself. Unless there's a greater purpose it can be directed at). No more appointments.
Though how self-defeating it is to base one's worth on whether or not obstacles are overcome efficiently enough. I'm a human, not a robot. I will cater to myself when it is appropriate. It is okay to not be in love with obligations (besides I wouldn't want to be perceived as a creepy goody two-shoes). But I've got to grow up. Be organized, be responsible, be self-disciplined, and be more accomplished. This is the best way to fit into that world of grown-ups, without resorting to drinking/promiscuity/whathaveyou as some kind of replacement. (have you noticed I'm a perfectionist wanna-be)
Speaking of which, I want to go all-the-way for God. Every call to religious life is unique; every vocation is unique period. Father Castro told me he had a late vocation, and his desire to become a priest was so great he, according to him, "couldn't believe it". Sister Colleen told me that once she decided to say "yes" to religious life, she immediately sensed peace. Some of the discerners at the convent retreat told me about their obvious signs to respond to the call to religious life, some of the discerners at the convent retreat didn't have obvious signs but were ready to join. Then there's Sister Susan (my vocations director), who told me she struggled to accept her call as she always had a desire to have children. "It was a choice for me," says Sister Susan. Father Michael (who did a mass for us at one of the convent retreats) told us he paused before taking his final vows, because he was worried he might meet the "woman of his dreams". Mother Angelica (from EWTN) said in a talk I once listened to, that she had to have faith that she was following through with God's will.
Oh who knows. Here are four significant words I learned at my first convent retreat: "In His will, peace".
I think I am capable of following through with religious life. Am I magnetically drawn to the convent? No (by all means I'd love a nice family!). But if God gave us free will, if I by my free choice desire to do God's will, then I'll do anything! If I can't get some sort of "sign", then as of now I'm leaning toward the convent (Apostles of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, their charism is too awesome: love, service, and reparation). If it must seem more like a choice for me, then I choose the convent. Besides! My major "obstacle" seems to have been removed, and I love people who suffer. Most of us have a heart for those who suffer in some form, but I am so compulsive about this idea that I could provide hope in an intimate way.
Can't I do this while married, too? If that is the case, I trust God will lead me yes? Ohh pleeease don't forget about me! So unless God really throws marriage in my face (which I'm substantially hoping He does), I am all for the convent. Because you know that I could be a nun, and (God willing) I would.
I am not going to wrestle with myself. I am going for it. And I trust (through prayer) that if it's not for me, God will redirect my path simply because hey I'm seeking Him out here. "Seek and ye shall find"